Tesla Dropped Robotaxis in Texas Like Regulators Don’t Own Cars

Two of America’s most “hold my beer” cities just got self-driving taxis.

Tesla is launching a robotaxi service in Dallas and Houston, because if you’re going to beta-test a rolling software update on human bodies, you might as well do it where the highway speeds are 85 and the vibes are “God will sort it out.”

This moves Tesla from “we swear it’ll work someday” to actual autonomous ride-hailing, directly stepping on Uber and Lyft’s necks. Uber built an empire by turning drivers into independent contractors with a prayer and a 1099; Tesla’s plan is to remove the driver entirely and keep the prayer.

Tesla will tell you it’s about “safer roads” and “the future of transportation.”

If it works, it’s a jobs-and-safety earthquake. Millions of people drive for a living, and the first thing Silicon Valley does with any “innovation” is replace labor with an app that crashes twice a week.

If it doesn’t work, congrats: you’ve invented the world’s most expensive rolling lawsuit. Regulators aren’t exactly known for speed, but nothing gets their attention like a car doing improv in traffic with no one to blame except a Terms of Service nobody read.

Meanwhile, Uber and Lyft get to watch a new competitor try to undercut them with vehicles that don’t need bathroom breaks, health insurance, or a union—just a charging station and a software patch.