3.4M People Just Got Their Medical Lives Looted Like a Target run

3.4 million people just had their health info dragged out into the street like a mattress on move-out day.

The culprit is TriZetto, a healthcare tech company under Cognizant — aka the plumbing behind a lot of insurance stuff you never think about until it bursts and floods your life.

According to TechCrunch, the breach exposed a buffet of personal and health-related data. Names, addresses, dates of birth, member IDs — and the kind of medical/insurance breadcrumbs that make identity thieves start rubbing their hands like Mr. Burns.

And no, this isn’t the fun kind of leak where you change a password and pretend it never happened. This is “your body and your bureaucracy” data. You can’t rotate your Social Security number like it’s an API key.

TriZetto will say something like “we take privacy seriously” and “we’ve notified affected parties.”

Meanwhile your insurer and pharmacy chain will keep acting like they’re doing you a favor by “verifying your identity” 19 times a year. Translation: they’ll make you suffer for their mistakes, and call it “security.”

If you start getting weird bills, mystery Explanation of Benefits letters, or a call about a procedure you definitely didn’t have, congrats — you’ve entered the American healthcare side quest nobody asked for.