Yankees Hit 15 Homers in 3 Games and the Bats Look Guilty

15 home runs in three games is not “hot start” energy. That’s “someone check the equipment guy’s FanDuel account” energy.

The Yankees opened the season like they found a cheat code in the settings menu, including a nine-homer game that basically turned the stadium into a batting-practice crime scene. MLB record. Three games. Fifteen balls launched into low Earth orbit.

And immediately, baseball’s newest main character showed up wearing a trench coat and fake mustache the size of Aaron Judge’s strike zone: “torpedo bats.” The name alone sounds like something you buy from a guy named Sal in a parking lot next to a vape shop.

The league will do the thing it always does: pretend this is totally normal until the vibes get too loud, then quietly “clarify” some equipment guidelines after the Yankees already banked the wins and sold a million highlights to every sports account with a ring light.

Meanwhile, fans are going to spend the next month doing FBI-level bat forensics on Twitter while MLB enjoys the free engagement like it’s a stimulus package.

And you, the humble viewer? You’re the one paying $14 for a beer to watch a sport desperately try to stay relevant by flirting with “is this even real” discourse.