Celtics Beat the 76ers by 32 and Philly Started Writing Goodbye Notes

32 points. That’s not a playoff “win,” that’s a public health warning.

Boston opened the playoffs by turning the 76ers into a live-action deleted scene from Rocky where the montage never starts because he gets hit by a bus.

This was the biggest Game 1 win in Celtics franchise history, which is disgusting when you remember this franchise has been tormenting other cities since televisions were furniture.

Philly showed up like they’d been told there was free parking and vibes. Boston showed up like they had a court order and a grudge.

The 76ers are gonna say the usual stuff. “It’s one game.” “We’ll watch the film.” “We like our looks.”

And the worst part? It’s not even the points. It’s the message. Game 1 was Boston basically sliding the series’ obituary across the table, already signed, and handing Philly the pen like “take your time.”

Meanwhile, the Celtics crowd got to do that thing where they start practicing arrogant laughter in the third quarter. You know, the rich-person laugh. The “my rent is paid” laugh.

If you’re a 76ers fan, congratulations: you’ve been drafted into yet another postseason hostage situation where hope gets traded at the deadline for “mental toughness.”