Cuba Says It’s Ready for a US Attack and Markets Heard “Buy Oil”

Cuba’s leader just went on TV basically saying “we’ll be ready” if the U.S. attacks, which is an absolutely unhinged thing to have on your national to-do list right next to “fix potholes” and “find chicken.”

It came out of a CBS News debate segment, where the rhetoric was less “diplomacy” and more “World War fanfiction, but with real people who own missiles.” Cuba wants you to believe it’s calm, prepared, and totally not sweating.

And the U.S. doesn’t even have to do anything. The threat alone is enough to make everyone with money start acting like paranoid squirrels hoarding acorns—except the acorns are oil contracts, defense stocks, and “just in case” supply chain hedges.

Meanwhile, airlines and cruise companies get to do their favorite hobby: “adjusting routes due to geopolitical uncertainty,” which is corporate for “we’d like to charge you more and blame a headline.”

If you’re wondering who benefits, it’s the usual suspects: defense contractors, energy traders, and cable news panels that can milk three sentences into a week-long panic buffet. Regular people get the privilege of paying more for fuel and feeling vaguely nauseous every time they open a finance app.